They call her the chocolate girl...

Writing here is like a solace to me; when the day is done and the house is quiet I want to just get with my thoughts and let it pour out onto the screen. But some days I don't get the time and it leaves me feeling a bit cheated. I am conscious at the moment that there is much less order in life as we move from day to day, the children off school (did I mention that?! Eerrr yep, daily). In amongst days of country and beach walks ('wear them out, wear them out' is my mantra) I have the punctuation of a work day, where I remember that my brain can focus on wider things than what's for lunch and where the next play date is coming from. I find when I am working, lucid and considered expertise escapes from my mouth without me even knowing I had the thoughts that formed those words. Over time my ability to think on my feet has been enhanced and I love that. Experience is good.

from Vogue Russia March 2009

Is it possible to miss one's blog like you miss a friend? When I neglect it I feel a tinge of guilt! But what is nice is that no matter how long I've been away, there is always a welcome when I return. Plus there is something about the order and symmetry of a blog post that even if in the distinct disorder of my life, I can still create something whole. It's the completeness of the 'publish post' button that I like.

My house on the other hand is incomplete...no matter how many times I pile up the random bits of mail and paper (where does all this paper come from? I am surrounded by paper...how is this possible when we are meant to have a paperless society now?). No matter how many times I return items to their rightful home, or clear the mess, wipe the surface, it seems within minutes there is more to clear and wipe. Relentless in it's consistency; my house remains a terminal mess!

Photograph by Jean Randazzo via VT Interiors

Thank you for your comments; as ever you are a source of wisdom to me. Many said you liked the statement 'be the best version of yourself'...so I am trying to keep that in my mind each day.

One can only try! Day three of the detox...all I can think about is chocolate...

Day of doubt...

If ever I doubt my 'working mother' choice it's on a Tuesday. As I have Mondays off, Tuesday is my Monday. Back to work after a lovely long weekend; the stark contrast between my home days and work days on full show. The school run slightly more stressy due to high heels. The drive to work an attempt to empty my mind of home actions and focus on work actions. The meetings where I realise with a little shiver shock of guilt that I have thought of neither child for hours. The email inbox mounting up all the while.

via a lady's findings from things is cool

Then at the end of the work day, the commute back, the school pick-up late and getting tired. We reach home, I change into my home evening uniform of comfies. Immediately as we enter the house I am tidying up from our hasty departure that morning; simultaneously clearing porridge bowls and cooking their evening meal. Swift cuppa tea, homework and re-stocking school bags (make an Easter Bonnet out of recycled materials to be brought to school the day after tomorrow! Ugh the extra curricular activity that is the bane of the working mother's life). I try to maintain some semblance of happy motherly mealtime, knowing that once their meal is done and they are in bed, I will do it all again for my husband's return home. This is modern life. I know there are ways I could do it that would be easier - I could let the house be a mess, I could eat with the kids and let him fend for himself when he gets home. But for me that kinda misses the point...

I get the stage in the evening when I long for some time to just reflect on the day. I want to catch up on blogs and watch trashy TV. To enjoy a glass of wine when he gets home.

But then, as it all dies down and I consider the prospect of a day off work tomorrow (I do love being part time) I come to the conclusion it's just Tuesdays. I have enormous empathy for working mothers who work full time; where every day represents my Tuesday. My heart goes out to you and my hat goes off to you. With no condesedence inferred. I know every household has its hardships and its gems of goodness, time to enjoy the goodness in mine.

via a lady's findings from ornamelle

Full circle...

I go in this full circle every few months. It happens like this...

I make lots of mental and emotional deals with my inner self to try very hard at life and be generally better at everything. I will be a patient and loving mother who gives quality time to her children. I will nurture them and support them. I will be a high-performing employee who is respected for her intellect and expertise in equal measure. I will be an attentive and sparky friend to all of my dearly cherished buddies, regularly meeting up to catch up and share. I will clear my house of all plastic kiddie atrocities and keep it resembling a feature in 'Country Living' at all times. I will eat healthily and responsibly; sourcing local and in-season ingredients to make delicious and nutritious food for myself and my family. I will maintain my hair, body and face so all three are in harmony and a glorious representation of what a 36 year old woman can look like. I will get dressed and treat every day like it is a 'Sartorialist' day. I will wear thoughtful and appropriate outfits characterised by subtle, cool details that people (mainly other women) will admire. I will spend my money responsibly and not fritter it away on unnecessary purchases.

And then some time passes, I try really hard and this is what happens...

I am patient and supportive to my kids for less time than I honestly consider is 'enough'. I secretly long to get online and surf/blog/buy rather than spend time playing games with them (eeek, confession). I feel disillusioned with my employer as I give and give and give and don't get quite so much back. Months go by and I realise I have not spoken to friends and/or have forgotten a birthday. My house goes in peaks and troughs of tidiness; a 'Country Living' spread would be a distinct impossibility today! I eat bad food and then wonder why I have no energy. On the outfit front it's hit or miss - some days are Ugg days. I am longing to buy spring clothes to lift my wintry mood but the funding is not quite there. I could go on....

Then, the next stage in the circle is I think of others who are considerably worse off than me. Friends and acquaintances who have been dealt cards that are so much harder to accept than mine. And I conclude two things: i) I need to get a grip and ii) things really aren't so bad. Finally I decided I need to cut myself some slack, relax and try to enjoy life more without making it all such a Herculean effort.

And off we go again...welcome to the circle :-)

Preparations and planning...

I would like to bring you beautiful pictures of Christmas cheer and stories of my wonderful relaxed build-up to the festive period. However today has not quite fit that mould! Crazy-busy at work, big scary presentation (what is it with presenting that no matter how many times I do it, it still instills fear in me? Public speaking; you are either a natural or you are not). I so wanted to get everything done for Christmas this week, I'm writing a list and checking it twice (make that fifteen times). I feel distinctly out of control...

by Anne Taintor

I think back to those carefree days of the past where Christmas meant catching up with all of your old school friends when they were home to their families for the holidays. Mulled wine and late night shopping.  Family time and enjoying it all. No pressure. Now, with my own children there is a subtle pressure to make it all just right. To form those memories just like those I cherish from my childhood. Memories which came from my wonderful Mum's sheer hard work and determination to make family Christmases special, despite little things like divorce.

So I am trying to keep my Christmas cheer, to be nourished by this special time of year. To recall the true message.  To be neighbourly. To chill...OK so just one more lovely, restful image to help me on my way ;-)

Stop...

So there is a big irony here. This week and next week represent for me the ultimate pre-Christmas hectic-ness. The last two weeks of school - many, many events for the Boos from the Nativity to choir concerts to end-of-term discos. Oh, and final Christmas shopping (in an attempt to get it done, done, done). Oh and work (another big project looming). I have a calendar that rivals a head of state.

image via tinywhitedaisies

Yet in amongst this crazy-busy madness I attended a meeting yesterday at work where there was a motivational speaker. I felt I hardly had time to see this speaker; I went into work on my day off to do so, necessitating yet more organisational challenges! His contention was that in this busy world, we need to stop. Stop. Think. Consider. He showed this video, which kinda spoke to me, along with everything he said. What would happen if I just stopped for a while? Just a few minutes? How would it impact my day?

Talking of stopping...voting for the Best Blog closes today, so trying stopping by there and clicking on my blog! Easy-peasy...

Here's what I think...

Quick fire: Here's what I think:

Ageing gracefully?
I wish I was entirely fine with this process. It's one of life's inevitabilites. Fighting it, ultimately doesn't work. There are elements of it that are life-affirming and wonderful; experience is beauty, but oh how I wish it just didn't happen. That it wasn't quite so brutal. My Mum, who is the ultimate role model for everything; she is AWESOME, has aged beautifully. She is at-one. I love and emulate that. And isn't this image just beautiful?

Shopping as favourite?
For me, nothing like going into a shop and seeing lots of things that make my heart go pitter-patter. I wish I wasn't quite so shallow and that the things that made me heart beat fast had more substance than a pretty dress. But that's how I am - have been the same since the age of 5 (but then it was pink and white candy-striped dungarees that caught my eye).

Should mothers work?
Whatever gets you through the day. Such a fiercely personal choice. First one must look at why mothers work - what is it that motivates them? From my observations on this, it's not all it seems; the motivations are wide, varied and unexpected. Understanding that choice must come first before any judgement is made about whether it's right or wrong.

The medical profession?
I have always had the utmost faith in the medical profession. I respect doctors enormously, in a similar way to lawyers. Clever, dedicated people. However in recent dealings with the medical (dental) profession I have been left wanting. How come they don't know all the answers? Have they not devoted years of study to finding out why something goes wrong with the human body? I am a specialist in my job - if someone asks me a question that I don't know the answer to, I go away and find out. I don't just send them away to cope with it. The older I get the more I find that there are few straight-forward answers in medicine. This bothers me.

Pushy parenting?
Should children be pushed academically and in, for example, sport? Should children be made to sit exams? I think, sometimes yes. Life has tests, why should we pretend in childhood that tests don't exist? We can help reduce the number of tests (I am speaking metaphorically about all tests children face; be they mathematics, getting through playtime, being in a school production, running a race) but at the end of the day, is it not better to prepare children to know how to deal with some pressure? The trick is not too much pressure and to not erode or deface the relationship they have with their parents by making success synonymous with unconditional love and respect. I have seen pushy parents in action and it's not pretty. Still working out how I feel about this one...

Cooking a meal from scratch every night?
Ready-made meals; what Jamie Oliver hates. I cook a fair amount, most nights I make a meal from fresh ingredients, from scratch. It is time-consuming and often I find it enormously tedious but I do it because it matters. I also periodically test my children on whether they know what a butternut squash looks like vs a chilli. I can't bear the thought that some children don't know what a potato is unless it comes in the form of chips. I think they have to see me cook; not just put a plastic packet in the oven.

images via are so happy

Going to bed at 8.30pm?
For adults, not children. I am all for it. For children, the earlier the better ;-)

Having the right shoes?
Yep, it does matter. To me.

Making a good cheese sauce?
I find the most important thing is to whisk the roux with the milk, briskly; a brisk whisk if you will. I also find that I do it with a smile on my face as I think (always) of my friend L who commented that her bottom wobbled when making a cheese sauce. I find the smile helps the consistency ;-)

...looks just like this my kitchen...go Gwyneth...

Grrr....

Something work-related has made me so cross I find myself wandering around my house in a grump, thinking grrrrrrrr.... This is one of the few issues with being part time. This constant splitting of my attention; it never feels quite sufficient in either home or work camp. Even on days off my laptop is there, glowing away with new additions to my inbox; it's the gift that keeps on giving. When things blow up at work it's generally on the days I don't work, so there is always this feeling of catch-up involved. Like I dropped the ball, except I didn't! I need to work on being more clear about what I think and what I want and then maybe these grrrrrrr feelings will go away!

So I think - 'whatever' - there is more to life, such as these lovely images and this: an awesome invite seen on Pinterest which really spoke to me given that I have in the distant past endured that long distance relationship thing...

...scrumptious pie..

...the softest of pillows...

...running away together...

...a nice cuppa tea...

...and some freshly picked roses...

What could be better?!

Home day/Work day...

Home days, work days. I work part time so my week is split between the two. Work days are peppered through the week; so I have this ongoing contrast of my two 'lives'.

via Everything Fabulous

On home days I immerse myself with the children, the school run, the farmhouse, nutritious after-school snacks, re-grouping, cooking, admin, making piles of ironed laundry (will I ever get to the bottom of the ironing basket?!). My mind empties of the deadlines and strategy and corporate manoeuvring of my work days. What I find bizarre is that in each 'life' I am comfortable. I miss neither one when I do the other. Very rarely do I do any work on home days, other than tracking the state of my inbox. At work, I will sometimes be in a meeting and catch myself, with a shock; the realisation that I haven't even thought about my own children for an hour or two.

I am lucky to have this delineation and the chance to do both. I figure that opportunity is a rare one; maybe I have found and maintained, at least on paper, that pinnacle of the work/life balance. But in reality it can be...confusing. On home days I think and feel so little about work that I wonder why I persist in the double life. Yes, it's a means to an end but there are other consequences which every now and then I am fiercely reminded of. The project that I worked on earlier this year was a case in point, when nothing about life was balanced as I struggled with the professional challenges of an all-encompassing work effort can bring. For sure, home life suffered and the 'wounds' from that are only now making themselves known - you know how sometimes it takes six months for an effect to show in a child's behaviour?

So I keep on - amongst some criticism that I take on too much and the knowledge that my kids may look back on these years and recall me being rather frazzled at times, rushing from work to collect them after school; one of the only Mums at the school gates in heels and a suit, blackberry in hand.

...on home days I bake cakes just like this... ;-)

As I have said before and many commenters have reassured me there is no right answer. I notice though that now my children are older my contemporaries are talking about going back to work, just as the children are more self-sufficient at school. To me, having worked throughout following maternity leave, I would say my children still need me now, perhaps even more. In a way, if I didn't work, that would be of more use to them now than when they were toddlers. The fact is they are so much more aware now...and that awareness I feel when they comment that I spend too much time in front of my laptop or when they know they have to fall quiet in the car if 'Mummy's boss' calls.

Today is a home day, so I am going to zhush...potter...enjoy the view and be there after school full of smiles, in flat shoes, off to look for conkers for the school conker competition...

...the view from my window this morning...

Things of beauty...and some thoughts...

This week has been all about pastures new. In amongst some serious soul-searching and deliberation we decided to go for it and my husband accepted the new job. It was time to make the leap and it's a leap indeed, as he had been with the same company for 21 years. Man and boy. It's the same company that I work for still; think household name, multinational corporation. Before him his father worked there. Along with his mother and his brother in their time. To say it's a family institution is an understatement! So it was with a heavy heart that he tendered his resignation and we now face a very new chapter. So much of our time together is tied up in that company - strange as that may seem. Sometimes places and things can be defining.


I blogged about this decision a week or two ago (seems like a lifetime!), when the new offer was so fresh and exciting, all we could marvel at was the future. Now, with decision well and truly made, the past seems to have become very relevant and so you find me very nostalgic and pensive in this post. In corporate speak this would be described as the change curve...


Notable that even when I have known him 18 years, he still has the capacity to surprise me. When things got really tough at the end when his company were in the final (fairly ugly) throes of trying to keep him, he gathered himself up and showed such integrity and bravery in walking away. Taking the risk. Taking the road less travelled. Made my heart swell. So here's to pastures new...a different road.

You never know what you are going to get in life...

via it's mary ruffle

All you can do is try to live well, make your choices, follow your principles... ;-)

via tiny white daisies

Gorgeously casual Kate Bosworth

There has been a lot of this in our house lately...planning and re-planning, weighing up, thinking it through.

Revolutionary Road

A fair amount of this on his behalf. Posthumous portrait of President John F. Kennedy by Aaron Shikler painted in 1970.

A some of this on mine...my friend D loves this picture, it always make me think of her...'Thoughts of You' by Jack Vettriano.

Funny how I just know this about him and this week he's proved it yet again...

Sometimes you have to look through a different pane of life...

Embrace those new pastures...this is the view from the highest hill around here...

So, what's happening with you?

I had this strange sensation when I was away that I wanted to write, but had promised myself I wouldn't as it was designed to be time away from everything normal. I noticed it has become 'normal' to write now, which is notable, all things considered. In some ways I spent my time away thinking, but then in other ways I realised I made a concerted effort to think of nothing whatsoever.

I said there were some things afoot in our family. When we were away my husband got a job offer; the kind that has life-changing implications for us, so we spent days considering, pondering, reasoning, punctuated by swims in the pool and beach visits. I find sand between your toes helps in any decision-making process...

the view from the end of my sun lounger...

Meanwhile on other matters:

Every second morning I ran. Early, first thing, before the heat really took hold, I got up and went running, on a deserted farm track that hugged the golf course near where we stayed. Noticing olive, fig and citrus trees as I ran. Sometimes accompanied by stray Portuguese dogs (that made me run that little bit faster; fight or flight? Flight for me, all the way). So my husband and I ran alternate days; initially I beat his time running the same track, eventually he beat my time. I figured unfair: he has shorter legs! On those mornings when I returned and then swam in the pool, before everyone was up, I had moments of happiness that simply must be down to those exercise endorphins. I am not evangelical about many things but I have to say; running is the answer. It just makes you feel so good after. Not often during; but after.

The Boos were great fun. They excelled at late, balmy nights, 'midnight' swims, beach volley-ball at dusk, eclectic dinner menus (Piri-piri anyone?) and were altogether fantastic company. I realised, again and afresh, that babies grow into children who become the best people to chill with in my world. So many shared looks between their Daddy and I as we thought to ourselves 'we made these cool people!'

the view from my fave beach restaurant...

Tropical warm climates are happy-making. No question. To wake to sunshine every day is a gift and I wonder now, as I come home to torrential rain and cloud - why do we live here? England is beautiful but really, would it hurt to be sunny just a little bit more often?

We lived like sloths. Well more importantly, I did. No cleaning, no laundry, no having to be anywhere at any time and I wondered - how can I hold on to this feeling of freedom? Normally, I am a slave to housework. My 'part time' job takes up too much of my time. The tyranny of the school run effects every day of life in term-time. What to do? How to maintain the holiday vibe? Suggestions on a postcard please...

I marvelled daily on how my girl, in particular, is growing up. Is that a nine year old thing? This child, who this summer learned to do backwards dives, can use her body in a way that I can only faintly recall when I was that age. She is just so clever and beautiful. A marvel indeed to me.

Olympian 2016?

Is it wrong that I was back home for no more than a few hours before I started scanning the web for the next holiday? Live for holidays or live for life? Hmmm....

Back to the decision-making process; we mused the life-changes, we looked at every angle, and we decided yep let's go for it. That was in the summer sun of Portugal.

Now we are home, events are actually unfolding in ways that we didn't anticipate, so I am not sure whether it's a stay or go situation afterall as the present employer has a card to play...will keep you posted.

So, now...what's been happening with you?!

Motherhood battle?

I have a friend; one of the mothers at school, who I have closely observed in recent months. She got a new job in her chosen profession, an absolute gift of a role that she would have only dreamed of when she was qualifying. The catch was that it was full-time and there was travel involved. She had made an agreement with her new company that she would have 'every other Friday off' in order to give her some time; a pseudo part-time arrangement. So she took the job and the school mothers stood by and watched as her two children started going to early morning club and after school club and were pretty much at school all the time. A couple of school events passed; a mother's tea party where she did not attend and instead a teacher 'stood in' as Mummy to her five year old son.

via Dust Jacket Attic

I pass no judgement here; I am a working mother and I think working is great, if you can make it work for you. Over the time that passed, it was abundantly clear that the 'Fridays off' were not materialising for my friend. Yet when I asked her she said she loved the job and that it was what she had always been working towards. And I thought great - isn't that, after all, why us women got educated and trained? Exactly so that there was this choice to work and have it all? I sense here I am stepping around some fairly contentious feminist issues, so I will try to tread carefully.

Anyway, I asked her again recently how it was going. She said she was exhausted, that having a cleaner and an ironing lady actually made little difference and what she really needed was some sort of house-keeper/home-maker. Basically someone who was another version of her. Who could help with homework and clear the dishes and do the laundry. So that she didn't have to do a full and demanding day at work and then return home with her children to see the breakfast bowls, complete with congealed milk still on the kitchen table.

You see therein lies the rub. For all that we might want to work and be wildly effective in our working lives, the sacrifice persists. There is no having it all. She is worn out. Her kids are in care a lot of the day. She and they are missing out somewhere along the way, surely (I am sure too that they gain things as well, but still). Yet she is also having the chance to do a great job, is realising her potential professionally.

It's all about choice and as many more lucid women have said before me, there is no ideal; no easy option. Full time motherhood is hard, has it's challenges in the exactly the same way as working motherhood. If there were just a way to clone oneself so that there was a work version and a home version, simultaneously performing,  maybe that would be the answer? Thought provoking stuff indeed...

via tinywhitedaisies

Busy bee...

In recent months, one could say I have taken on too much. Work-wise I've taken responsibility for things that really aren't my remit, I've accepted too many school-related additions, I blog pretty much every day (which I love, by the way). Trying to cram in extra things, a few weekends away, nights out, days too. Grasping life and saying 'yes' to everything that comes our way. However there seems to be a price. On the one hand, we must live life. Make the most and best of things. Never turn down an invite, always invite people back. Stop caring if the house is a tip. Create the fantastic menu. Make the effort. As it's always worth it.

I have to say to myself 'get a grip Louise; see friends, live your life!' And I do. But sometimes the cracks start to show. Things get overcomplicated. Things get missed along the way. At the moment my brain is so full of 'to dos' that I simply forget stuff.

Prime example yesterday: I told my friend I could not pop round for coffee as I was awaiting a delivery. Half an hour passed, I decided I would pop round for a coffee. I get there and start complaining that my phone is ringing off the hook on my non-working day. I miss three or four calls. We agreed I should cut myself some slack. She eventually picks my phone up and pretends to be my secretary. It's the delivery driver; he's waiting outside my house! Arrrghhhh, I hot-foot it home wondering how my kids ever get collected from school on time with my sieve-like brain...

Life can be so full and lovely. I wish there was a way to fit everything in...

via are so happy