I make lots of mental and emotional deals with my inner self to try very hard at life and be generally better at everything. I will be a patient and loving mother who gives quality time to her children. I will nurture them and support them. I will be a high-performing employee who is respected for her intellect and expertise in equal measure. I will be an attentive and sparky friend to all of my dearly cherished buddies, regularly meeting up to catch up and share. I will clear my house of all plastic kiddie atrocities and keep it resembling a feature in 'Country Living' at all times. I will eat healthily and responsibly; sourcing local and in-season ingredients to make delicious and nutritious food for myself and my family. I will maintain my hair, body and face so all three are in harmony and a glorious representation of what a 36 year old woman can look like. I will get dressed and treat every day like it is a 'Sartorialist' day. I will wear thoughtful and appropriate outfits characterised by subtle, cool details that people (mainly other women) will admire. I will spend my money responsibly and not fritter it away on unnecessary purchases.
And then some time passes, I try really hard and this is what happens...
I am patient and supportive to my kids for less time than I honestly consider is 'enough'. I secretly long to get online and surf/blog/buy rather than spend time playing games with them (eeek, confession). I feel disillusioned with my employer as I give and give and give and don't get quite so much back. Months go by and I realise I have not spoken to friends and/or have forgotten a birthday. My house goes in peaks and troughs of tidiness; a 'Country Living' spread would be a distinct impossibility today! I eat bad food and then wonder why I have no energy. On the outfit front it's hit or miss - some days are Ugg days. I am longing to buy spring clothes to lift my wintry mood but the funding is not quite there. I could go on....
Then, the next stage in the circle is I think of others who are considerably worse off than me. Friends and acquaintances who have been dealt cards that are so much harder to accept than mine. And I conclude two things: i) I need to get a grip and ii) things really aren't so bad. Finally I decided I need to cut myself some slack, relax and try to enjoy life more without making it all such a Herculean effort.
And off we go again...welcome to the circle :-)
