There have been times in the past, in darker days, when I have had the strength to think myself happy. My friend P and I used to say we circled the 'black hole' in those darker days (I am talking newborn babies and zero sleep) and peered just over the edge into the abyss, only to find the resolve to turn and walk away rather than to leap in. So that black hole became just a little, much less significant dot behind me.
But there are other areas where the strength vanishes and I turn to mush. My husband has the capacity to turn me to mush for lots of other reasons... But the key thing for upsetting the cart is the happiness (or unhappiness) of the Boos. If they are not happy, frankly life just doesn't work for me. This is hardly new news; most mothers would say the same about their respective Boos.
But these past weeks the mush-making capacity has come to the forefront. Not in a dramatic, life-threatening way; just in a peripheral, 'be aware' sort of way. My daughter is away and the anxiety of being away from home affected Boo in a way that made her completely not herself.
So today I get my girl back...
Today is her 9th birthday. But she is not here! I sit here this morning, but not with an excited birthday wake-up of tousled, morning hair and hastily unwrapped presents! She returns later from being away for the first time in her little life and can I just say: Oh Dear God, how much I have missed her! To have my Boo not at home on her birthday...well it's like my universe is out of kilter.
So I will this afternoon welcome home my darling, vibrant, funny, beautiful 9 year old daughter on her birthday and delight in getting my girl back...her old happy self.
